PLEASE HELP, I HAVE A PROBLEM!!

Last night, I realized something. I might possibly be addicted to reality television. I really didn't think it was that bad until I was talking to Lori the other night, and she had mentioned in passing that I watch a lot of reality television. I said, "Well, I like some shows, but I really don't watch that much." Later that night, I went to watch something I recorded on TiVO, and I noticed that about 75% of all I had recorded was... yep you guessed it, Reality Television! And not just the ones I really consider worth watching.

Hells Kitchen (Gordon Ramsey is my hero) and the Mole (not as good as when Anderson Cooper hosted it, but I still like it) are the current ones that I really actually like, but I just can't stop there for some reason. In the past week, I've watched so many horrible ones that I have no business watching. Here are some of them and reasons I shouldn't be contributing to the downfall of society, but somehow I can't stop:



1. America's Got Talent - Here's a show that is American as you'll get. By that I don't mean patriotic, I mean who else but Americans with absolutely no talent would go on a national tv show (with "talent" in the title, mind you), to make an ass of themselves and get booed off stage. Sing it with me now: "My country tis of thee, sweet land of irony. Of thee I sing." Oh and it's got David Hasselhoff as one of the judges, who insists on calling himself "The Hoff" now. That fact alone should get me to stop watching, but I found that if you fast forward through his comments, it's not as bad. This show should've been called: "America's Got Talent, But You Won't See it on This Show, and Sorry About The Hoff - We Didn't Realize he was Completely Insane and Repulsively Annoying When We Signed Him to a Two Year Contract". They actually tried that name, but the test audience thought it was too long of a title.

I'M A BIG LOSER FOR WATCHING THIS FACTOR: 9/10

2. Moment of Truth - What can I say about this one? A show where self-absorbed egomaniacal contestants take a lie detector test, then try to remember their yes or no answers later to see if they were telling the truth in front of their friends and family (and all of America)? This show is like watching a train wreck. It brings out the contestants' worst qualities and deepest hidden secrets on live television. That sounds like my worst nightmare. Why would you sign up for that? Oh yeah, these desparate people are promised $500,000 if they can answer all the questions truthfully. I actually saw an episode where a girl admitted that she not only cheated on her husband (who was there in front of her), but she also said that he wasn't the person she wanted to marry in the first place (unbeknownst to him, apparently). Not only that, she also admitted that she should've married her old boyfriend who actually came out to ask her the question in person!! Ah... Moment of Truth: Shattering spirits and breaking up marriages one soul-crushing episode at a time. Congrats, you've officially earned your place in the fifth circle of hell!

I'M A BIG LOSER FOR WATCHING THIS FACTOR: 8/10




3. Nashville Star - What the hell? I don't even like country music!?! What in God's name am I watching this for? Oh yeah, there was nothing else on, and I was bored out of my skull. I know, that excuse doesn't even sound good to me. This show is like a really bad version of American Idol for country singers. Sound bad? Yeah it gets worse when you add that Billy Ray Cyrus is the host, and Jewel is one of the judges. Oh, my reality addiction is really getting bad. Please Help!

I'M A BIG LOSER FOR WATCHING THIS FACTOR: 10/10

4. Wife Swap - The title makes it sound depraved, but unlike the new CBS show "Swingtown", it's not actually about trading sexual partners. They take two completely opposite families with totally opposite views and make the wives go live with the other's family for 2 weeks. What ends up happening is mildly entertaining, but not enough to justify me watching it. All the shows pretty much end the same way. With the husbands refusing to do anything that the swapped wife tells them to, and then getting in a huge fight about it. I guess the only redeeming factor is the people learn to appreciate their own spouses a little more. Oh God help me! I can't believe I just admitted watching this.

I'M A BIG LOSER FOR WATCHING THIS FACTOR: 8/10




5. Celebrity Circus - More like "B-List Celebrity Circus". This show is as goofy as it gets. It takes "stars" like the guy who played Peter Brady on the Brady Bunch (Christopher Knight), some Olympic medal swimmer (Janet Evans), and some singer I've never heard of (Blu Cantrell) among others and makes them do circus acts. I remember seeing commercials advertising it before it came out and I also remember thinking that I would refuse to watch it. One, because it just sounded retarded, and two, I didn't want to encourage them to make more of these shows. But like a dumbass, I was flipping channels and got caught up watching it when I saw Stacey Dash (pictured here) floating on satin sheets in the air. She is not hard to look at, as you can tell, so I stayed on that channel. Now, like a sucka, I have to watch every week to find out which b-list celebrity will be kicked off. Now do you see how bad my addiction has become? Oh and Joey Fat-One, I mean Fatone, from NSYNC is the host which is all the more reason I need rehab. By the way, Stacey is still on it, so I still have that excuse.

I'M A BIG LOSER FOR WATCHING THIS FACTOR: 9/10



Well that's not all of them, but it's enough to give you an idea of what my life has become since I got laid off. Thank God that Dancing With the Stars, American Idol, and the Apprentice are over now, or I'd have to talk about them too. Geez, I've really gotta get a job soon!!


Does anyone know of any reality show treatment centers? 'Cause I'll totally go. I can admit I have a problem and apparently that's the first step.


My name is Matt. "HI, MATT!" And I am a realiholic.